"Hey. I was just wondering if you'd wanna go to a public, rent-by-the-hour hot tub in downtown Lincoln with me."
If you've never had the pleasure of receiving this offer, you've never had the pleasure of visiting The Tubbery. Tucked away amidst the vintage charm of Lincoln's Historic Haymarket district is a cesspool of human existence masquerading as a romantic getaway. The Tubbery, which frankly just sounds filthy, rents hot tubs by the hour. To people. Real people. Who pay to rent hot tubs by the hour.
What kind of people patronize this fine, upstanding example of American can-do entrepreneurship in action? Well let us judge completely from this one comment I found on Yahoo! Local, a Yahoo! subsidiary where people can post their thoughts on local businesses so that all 27 people who still use Yahoo! can read them. Here, without any censorship (skip it if you're sensitive) is "Dottie's" thoughtties on Ye Ole Tubbery.
"This is the place!: The Tubbery is a very fun place to go. You can go into one of their themed hot tub rooms, they're specious, very neat, complete with all you will need, not to mention..you get a big 8-10 person hot tub to play in. This is an ideal place to take that special someone, and there's nothing like sexin' and feeling those jets hittin against your bodies! I can't wait to go back!!!"
I must point out that this message was posted on Yahoo! Local two days before Christmas, 2005. So, in the midst of celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Dottie found time to give The Tubbery props on its ability to facilitate "the sexin'." Dottie's ONLY other review on Yahoo! Local? You guessed it, Priscilla's Adult Novelty store. Hope she's single. I must also point out that The Tubbery is real. I can not reiterate this enough.
I assume that your choices of a "themed hot tub room" are NASCAR, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Failure.
I also assume Dottie meant "spacious," not "specious." Specious means "false but plausible." As in, "The Tubbery is the original breeding ground for all known forms of sexually transmitted disease." False, but plausible. See?
Alright, I may have to do a follow-up post to this later. I'm an hour away from lunch and if I don't get the mental image of Dottie "sexin'" her Jeff Gordon-wannabe boyfriend in a public hot tub out of my mind, I may never eat again.
Until then...
cheers.
.charlie
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Lincoln, Nebraska. In the nude.
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11 comments:
As a person who two weeks ago was propositioned by skeez at Marz Bar to go to the Tubbery about four times in twenty minutes, I'd just seriously like to put it out there...Don't ask me to go there with you. Sick. That's like saying "Hey nice to meet you, let's go to the Adult Emporium and play with the various devices.". Sick. I do, however, hope Dottie had a hair-raising and screaming good time.
I'm pretty sure I just threw up inside my mouth. And died a little on the inside. Does the Center for Disease Control know this pdtri dish of swill is in operation?
I think we as dedicated JAK readers deserve to see this viewpoint from all angles—especially if we don’t currently live in the star city. How about planning your own trip to The Tubbery and documenting the adventure for us to enjoy?
That would earn my respect.
Um, have you never watched "Blind Date?" We had a place in LA they always used to go to - and inevitably ended up in the "Blind Date Hall of Shame." The LA place lasted from the '70's until just last year... so The Tubbery should be gone by around 2023. Enjoy!
I would also suggest a philandering politician theme room - call it the Diamond Joe Quimby room
I guess I'll cancel your surprise birthday party at the Tubbery that I was planning for December. The carnies are going to be disappointed because I sent out e-vites just this last week. Oh well, it's nothing that a gift basket of penicillin, Barton's vodka, and Big Dog t-shirts won't take care of.
I did a little research -
http://media.www.dailynebraskan.com/media/storage/paper857/news/1996/09/11/Arts/Arts-Entertainmentsteamy.Sizzling.Date.Alternatives.At.Tubbery-2101400-page2.shtml
and found out that the Tubbery is even family friendly! Children 12 and under can get in for only $3.00 an hour, and children under 6 get in free! Now there's a fun birthday party alternative to Chuck E. Cheese!
Its one of the last places in this country where one can enjoy something for like a hot tub with out going to a hotel or buying one. If I thought I might get some STD's from it I guess all I have to do is get molested by some pastor or priest-but then I am not a kid.
Hey, fuck off. It was a fun & enjoyable experience. Back in high school, it was a great place to take a chick to have some co-ed naked naughty time away from the prying eyes of parents.
Really been to tubbery many times . If your worried about catching stds from the tubbery you should stay out of all public pools n hotels . Run a black light over the cumferter!!!
My darling mother just told me the story of one of her first dates with my father as a newly wed- they went to The Tubbery, and then had dinner at Lazlo’s next door. Neither of them brought swimsuits, so in true Dottie fashion, they were nude. I cannot emphasize enough that this was my MOTHER telling me this story. Also notable was the fact that there were no towels provided by this upstanding establishment, and again, no swimsuits. They went to dinner while still partially wet with the disease-ridden sewage water of the Tubbery. They interacted with other human beings after their encounter with the Tubbery. That is something that they did.
She also mentioned that, in the corner of the room, there was a large barrel containing perhaps hundreds of empty beer cans, stacked almost a foot over the top rim of the barrel. I’d like to commend the brave souls who made the (perhaps ill advised) decision to add alcohol to this situation. Renting a hot tub by the hour isn’t classy enough without a can of miller lite.
After hearing her story and reading all of yours, I decided to check if the Tubbery was still in operation, if only to know which address to report to the health department. Imagine my surprise that such a business is no longer in operation! Who wouldn’t want to splash around in these themed cesspools of pestilence? It’s such a romantic idea!
Final words from my mom, who is watching me leave this comment: “We had a very good time!”
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