Never... EVER... Challenge Your Mother.

In issuing a blind challenge to the blogosphere (and this blog's small-but-strangely-devoted readership), I was a fool to ignore a mother's love. My mother is wonderful at two things: loving everything her children do and saving only our most humiliating pictures. Even though I think I was a mistake, I'm not immune to her love. As a Just Above Kansas reader, she jumped at the opportunity to meet my challenge. The result, for me, is an uncomfortable reliving of a time when I was mistaken for the next Doogie Howser during college interviews.

I also underestimated her relationship with Tara, a good friend of mine who works at a restaurant that my mom and her friends frequent (by the way, Happy Birthday, Tara). Now, I am forced to be a man of my word, and so I begrudgingly post quite possibly the two most regrettable, unfortunate and laughable senior pictures in recent history.

So here they are, taken in the summer of 2002, when I was but a wee lad with a bowl cut (seriously?) and a dream. And a love for the A.C. Slater pose. I stood just 5'2" and only cracked a triple-digit weight after a heavy meal. I would like to thank the entirety of people who knew me in 2002 for not bothering to tell me just how ridiculous I looked. Come on people, a bowl cut after the year 1994. That could've been prevented. Sigh.

If it helps, please imagine the person in these photos uttering the following phrases:

• Hi, I'd like to apply for college.
• One student for "American Pie."
• Will you go to prom with me?
• I'll drive.

And yes, ladies. He's single.

Well played, mother and Tara. Never again shall I doubt either of you.

cheers. i guess.
.charlie

The A.C. Slater Pose and Other Regrets

Today I'll talk about bad high school decisions, and if you read to the end, you may just have a chance at throwing down some mad Karma back at me. Here we go...


I was watching TV last night when I saw an ad that caught my attention. Not in the good, "Hey that's funny," way or the "Wow, good to see Ed McMahon is still alive," way. Rather in the, "Oh, that's unfortunate," kind of way. It was a commercial for a photographer in Lincoln, advertising his senior picture services. One photo was particularly tragic.

When exactly did the world decide it would be a good idea to professionally chronicle every kid doing something they would inevitably regret? Senior pictures are a time-honored way to capture "Wow, I can't believe I thought that was cool 10 years ago," moments.

So being the diligent chronicler of all things weird and/or Nebraskan that I am, I was able to find the picture from the TV commercial. It is posted on the photographer's Web site both as a showcase of his talents and a reminder to incoming seniors everywhere.

If you know the kid in this picture, I'm sorry. I'm not making fun of him, I'm making fun of senior pictures in general. This just happens to be a current one. So without further adieu, I present you this:



Picture the year 2017. A former member of B2K is president (Omarion in '16?). We are enslaved by our Canadian overlords. And Wal-Mart sells kidneys in bulk. Somewhere, this young man will be saying, "Oh man, popped collars! Why? Why God why? What in the name of Mario Lopez was I thinking?" Mario Lopez? What does that have to do with anything? Keep reading...

A Disclaimer
Again, I'm not picking on this kid, I'm picking on senior pictures and how ridiculous they are. It's entrapment. There's no way you're going to do something you'll be proud of later in life. And I'm not trying picking on high school kids. I'll say that high school students in this state are wonderful, and I would know. I work at a camp in the summer with them and they are bright, articulate, intelligent and impressive. So there.

And a Challenge to You, The Reader
Before you brand me a totally soulless bastard for picking on high school kids, I'll give you my sad senior picture story. Today, I stand 6'2", about 170 lbs, and when I have facial hair I almost look my age (23). When I entered my senior year, I stood 5'3", 100 lbs and got carded for PG-13 movies. And as if looking 11 years old when applying for college wasn't completely humiliating enough, I chose the A.C. Slater pose for my senior pic. You know the drill: backwards chair, arms folded neatly on the to. A timeless classic.

And so, I issue this challenge:

To any of our fair readers. If you can come across my A.C. Slater-posed senior picture, and you can scan it/get it to me in digital form, I will post it on the blog, thus abandoning any remaining chance of ever dating again and opening myself up for a confidence-shattering barrage of humiliation from all of you. Your mission is clear.
Go forth.

cheers.
.charlie

A Major Blow to Brute Honesty

Last week, Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel announced he would be leaving the Senate, opting not to seek re-election in 2008. I'm not going to pretend to be a political expert/analyst/blogger, but, as a citizen, Hagel's departure leaves me a little empty.

Lately, bashing the president and the war has become more fashionable than tiny dogs using celebutante handbags as temporary kennels. As public opinion on the war has plummeted, politicians seeking '08 election have been the first to criticize the present, usually without making recommendations on the future. Make no mistake, I hate this president, his administration, politics, character, demeanor and pretty much everything about him. I don't agree with the platform his party purports, or how they push it. But the same people who are trashing Bush now are many of the ones who supported him earlier. And while changing your mind is certainly legal, doing it to appease public opinion is gutless and unethical.

So back to Hagel. In a time when stump speeches are dictated by unscientific CNN polls and passion-laden punditry, Chuck just said what he thought. It was unpopular (at the time), sometimes poorly delivered and almost always controversial. But it was what he felt. And it seemed, at least, to be devoid of influence from public opinion. He went against his party and spoke out honestly on a polarizing topic. He did it before it was popular. And he did so with blatant disregard to its effect on his viability as a presidential candidate, making statements that stole headlines from his own contemplation of a run for the White House.

In short, he said what he felt was right without worrying about the consequences on his career or likability. That ought to be the m.o. for any politician (or person, for that matter) but in today's world, it's not. He embodied the junior high guidance counselor adage, "What's popular isn't always right and what's right isn't always popular." And as lame as that saying is, it's a simple sentiment that has been all but forgotten by many of our elected leaders. Love Chuck or hate him, you have to admire unapologetic honesty in an arena that so regularly neglects it.

cheers.
.charlie


ps. Sorry about the serious post. We'll get back to making fun of rival Big 12 schools, worshiping Dave Coulier and Celebrating Rejected Nebraskans right away.

Special Delivery

Yesterday was a very important day for me. Not only was it International Talk Like a Pirate Day (seriously), a time-honored tradition in my family (no, seriously), but it was a good day for another reason, too...

Ady Margaret Borchert
Born 9/19/07, 5:07 pm, 7 lbs. 14 oz.

Cute kid, eh? I think so. Baby is doing wonderfully, as is mom (my sister). So forgive my proud uncle blog posting and help me welcome, in the spirit of International Talk Like a Pirate Day, Ady Marrrrrrrrrrgaret Borchert. Avast! A sea-farin' baby she be! Okay maybe not. But she is real cute, and I'm happy. If anything wasn't going perfectly in my life, that little face made me forget it pretty quickly.

cheers indeed.
.charlie

Are You There God? It's Me, Ernie Chambers

As someone who blogs about happenings in Nebraska, content is sometimes hard to come by. Sometimes you have to dig and claw until you find that story. But then, sometimes a story is hand-delivered to your doorstep, wrapped neatly and topped off with a colorful bow. Sometimes one of your state legislators sues God.

In a headline that seems ripped from The Onion, t-shirt and stonewashed jeans-wearing Nebraska state senator Ernie Chambers is suing God. Chambers' crusade is not really aimed at God (or Dave Coulier), but rather at all-too-common frivolous lawsuits that make a farce out of our judicial system while simultaneously grinding it to a halt.

Click here to read the article on Chambers if you haven't already. No need to pinch yourself, it's real. He's stepping the arena with defendants who sue for coffee that's too hot, ice that's too cold or shirts that are too "shirty." Which brings us to...

CHAMBERS V. GOD:
THIS TIME, IT'S BIBLICAL.

Chambers claims God is within the jurisdiction of Nebraska's Douglas County because, well, God is everywhere. He is suing based on the "terroristic threats" and "calamitous catastrophes" (Man, did the Rev. Alliteration-Master Al Sharpton ghostwrite this lawsuit?) that hardliners could technically blame God for. And he's asking the justice system to act within its power to prevent God from further harm upon the human race.

Soon, Geraldo and the E! Network will be setting up camp outside the state capitol building for 24/7 coverage. Nancy Grace will accuse Jesus of leaving a baby in a hot car for three hours. Jerry Falwell will ascend from hell to personally damn Ernie Chambers. Right behind Falwell will be Johnny Cochran, still looking to make a quick buck.

But questions abound. Who will preside over the trial if the defendant is seen as the judge of eternal life? Does God have to swear on the bible, or should we just take His word for it? When God says the Pledge Allegiance, does he say, "One Nation, Under Me?" Is there a jail that can hold God? How does all of this effect Christmas?

There's a lot to sort out, for sure. The best we can do is sit back and watch a crazy outgoing state legislator drain tax dollars and ironically abuse the justice system to prove how people abuse the justice system. I, for one, need answers now. I'm going to talk to the guy who stands outside the movie theater with the giant cross. He'll know.

cheers.
.charlie

Dave Coulier Has Heard My Prayers!

Okay technically if he'd answered my prayers, Karen would have her little baby by now. No baby yet. But Karen is doing well and is mega-pregnant (or megnant. And yes, that is a legitimate medical term). The doctors are thinking sometime around September 19th, so we'll be holding our breaths until then.

So Lil' Baby Football Ticket didn't work out exactly as planned, but... I'm going to the game anyway! My dad had a ticket, didn't want to go to a night game with a gigantic crowd and ceded his ticket to me. Was it a guilt trip from the blog? A father's love for his son? Nah, he just doesn't like the crowds. And for that reason, I will be sitting on the 50-yard line for the game tomorrow.

A special thanks to all of our loyal readers here at Just Above Kansas for sending good thoughts. I assure you that the blog didn't really guilt trip my wonderful father into giving up his ticket, he's just not a huge fan of going to the games. And a very special, heartfelt "Thank You" to Dave Coulier. People laughed when I named him my celebriGod, but who's laughing now? He has heard my prayers. He has answered. I am thus vindicated.

In honor of him, if a fan gets out of hand Saturday night I will promptly turn to that fan and do this:

I think it's only right. Go Huskers.

cheers.
.charlie

Willie you marry me?

Celebrate Nebraska Rejects



Willie,

Maybe it’s your boyish good looks, or your wacky hat-beard combinations, or the way your two teeth glisten in the setting summer sun. The truth is there are many reasons why I’ve fallen for you. I love the way you can catch and cook a squirrel using only dental floss, a paper clip, chewing gum, a magnifying glass, and dynamite. I love how you’ve assembled your entire wardrobe by redeeming points you’ve collected from various tobacco products. I love your undying devotion to the television show “Lost” and the related blog you update regularly. But most of all Willie, I love you--and your mad skills between the sheets. Will you marry me?

-Deb


.ben

I Mean Where Do I Begin...

...to tell you the number of things wrong with what I'm about to write about. First, a disclaimer. For those that read this blog that aren't die hard Big Red fans (shame on you), we are going to cover the Huskers from time to time. But I promise it will not be sports radio via the blog, rather it will be a series of forays into the culture of Husker football that so permeates our fair town. It will be humorous, perhaps sad and most certainly awesome.

That said, let's talk about Kansas State. One of the Husker "rivals" in the Big 12 North, the Wildcats are based in Man-Happenin', Kansas. Their mascot is Willie the Wildcat. Apparently, their new team ain't so good. They've been sluggish early, and I think I've discovered why.

In a sad, desperate attempt to artificially inflate fan support for their team, the K-State Sports Marketing geniuses recently put this together:



That's right, two new traditions. One is the "Power Towel," an idea so original that it's only been copied by 93% of collegiate, professional and semi-professional sports franchises the world over. We get it. You waive the towel, the visiting team wets itself. This tactic is best used by fans sporting stonewashed jeans, a Flock of Seagulls haircut and Snap Bracelets.

But that's nothing compared to the "Willie Chant." Oh, sweet Jesus. What in the name of Dave Coulier is this thing? Where to begin? There are so many things wrong with this. Don't get me wrong, I love Whitesnake. I just think it's time to let them rest in peace, and not try to resurrect their style as a pathetic college football chant. And how about Willie's tasty, face-melting, Guitar Hero-worthy licks? I'm surprised my computer screen didn't melt when I played this video. Is the 30something-still-clinging-to-Hair-Band-Rock target market that active? And why, oh god why, are there lasers shooting out from the guitar?

Lyrically, it's a masterpiece. I believe the words were written by a team of whales, and the sounds they emitted were so beautiful that K-State decided not to translate them into English (ala Dory from Finding Nemo).

I don't understand it. How. What. But. Then... Brain. Exploding. From. Ridiculous. Stupidity. Must. Stop.

And yes, right about now the Gods of Husker Karma are planning how Kansas State is going to beat Nebraska, just to punish me for this post.

cheers.
.charlie

Baby of Fortune Update

Well Husker Fans (and fans of me getting to go to see the Huskers play USC), things are progressing swimmingly with my sister's pregnancy. If that first sentence completely confused/disgusted you, click here and read this post. That oughtta clear things up.

Now then. Karen e-mailed me with some bad news. Don't worry, all is well with the baby, but she said, "The doc thinks it's gonna be late." What does he know? Who is this "doc?" What kind of self-respecting medical professional lets his patients refer to him as "doc?" I don't trust him.

Now I'm no "doctor," (I'll pause here to allow you to cope with the shock. Still pausing. Ready? Ok) but I think we can defy God/Mother Nature/Dave Coulier here. Let's get this party started...

Karen, I want you to put your baby as close to your computer speakers as you can. Then click play on the video below:



That's right, it's the 2007 Husker Tunnel Walk (please ignore the lame ass video that will undoubtedly be laughed at by USC fans in a few weeks).

What better way to coax 'Lil Red (your baby) out of hiding than to give him the Tunnel Walk!? What baby doesn't want to enter the world in the same way the Huskers enter Memorial Stadium every Saturday? That's a good way to start life. Now if you'd like to begin a slow clap that progressively gets louder and faster, that could help, too.

Okay, that's all my Uncle Joey (Uncle Charlie, actually) advice for the day. I hope you're doing well, staying healthy and getting ready. In all honesty I'm so proud of you, and can't wait to meet the little sucker... who will be born on September 10th.

cheers.
.charlie