This is What It Feels Like, When Nerds Cry

It's been about a week since we last spoke, readers. My apologies, I was on the business trip from hell and I spent most of the weekend making sure Lincoln's beer supply hadn't gone bad in my absence (it hadn't). Plus, Sunday I went to a Husker Volleyball game, and it was awesome. "Why," you ask?

Girls in short shorts? Check!
Stadium nachos? Check!
A Husker team winning? Check!

All in all, it was excellent. I particularly enjoyed the "play" (and by "play" I mean "hotness") of one player. Let's just say her name starts with an "R" and ends with "achel Schwartz." Shwing.

But I digress. Desperate for content as we sometimes are, I decided to click over to our beloved local paper's Web site to see if I could unearth a tasty nugget of corn-fed goodness (my apologies for using the words "nugget" and "corn" so close together). And what, within seconds, do I find? This headline, followed by this brilliant story intro:


That says, "Man reports R2D2s stolen from his porch" followed by "There's been a disturbance in the force -- right here in Lincoln." Sigh.

Turns out a guy ordered four motorized, replica R2D2 pieces from Hammacher Schlemmer (ergonomic dog food bowls and nerd toys in the same catalog? What God did we please?!). And no, jerks, I am not the victim of this crime. There is a limit to my nerdiness, just barely.

But apparently, the UPS guy left him on the porch, and they were stolen before the lucky owner could even find them, open them, insert the batteries, turn them on and lament what his life had become. A shame, indeed.

So right now there are two people in Lincoln. One man desperately trying to hunt down his stolen R2D2 toys. Another man, the thief, wondering why his newly-stolen Roombas don't work. Honestly, I don't know who to feel more sorry for. That guy stole 4 boxes from Hammacher Schlemmer, probably believing them to be components of an elaborate massage chair, a croquet set or a to-scale replica of the Holy Grail. What did he get? Nerd toys. See kids? Crime. Doesn't. Pay.

Before you make fun of this victim (60 years old, mind you), I ask you to imagine yourself in his shoes. Personally, this would be the equivalent of someone stealing LOST action figures from me. No, I don't have LOST action figures. But my birthday is in December. Just saying.

My favorite part of the article? The close: "They might be wise to be on the lookout for Jawas. The short, burlap-caped scavengers with hoods and yellow eyes stole R2D2 in the movie." Yes, that sentence was printed in our local newspaper. On purpose. We'll keep you posted on this story, but I'm sure Nancy Grace will be here in a matter of hours for 24/7 coverage.


cheers.
.charlie

Hey Wait, Somebody Listen to My Opinion About Steve Pederson! Anybody?

Ready? Dog Pile!
It seems everyone in Lincoln has had an opinion on the Husker football situation in the last few weeks. For some reason, everyone's a bit more critical when we're losing than when we're winning. Perhaps I will never understand this phenomenon.

So after weeks of pissing and moaning, Husker fans were satiated today by the news that Harvey "The fightin' Pearl" Perlman has fired Steve "Kill me now" Pederson. By cutting this beast off at the head, Perlman hopes that the remaining tentacles (read: Callahan, Cosgrove, etc.) will soon wither and die, falling off to be eaten alive and decried in hindsight by the same Husker fans who praised them months ago. But enough of that.

It's amazing how the rumor mill works in this little town. I first heard that SP was gone at about 10am today from a buddy of mine who goes to UNL. Then more and more tips started pouring in, and finally my inbox was flooded with confirmed reports within 2 minutes of the official report. Two hours later, the Perlman press conference wrapped up and the town turned its attention from speculation to analysis.

But the shit people come up with is amazing. Ridiculous rumors, over-zealous anticipations and wishful thinking we're combined into the greatest bowl of overreaction stew I've ever tasted. Can you imagine if the press conference had been attended by fans and not media types? I can.

The Average Joe's Press Conference
Harvey: I'm announcing today the (air quotes) resignation (air quotes) of Steve Pederson as our athletic director. Questions?

Fan 1: Yes! Yes! See, I told you that slick bastard was out. I knew it, I knew he was gone. My friend works with a guy who's cousin's son delivers newspapers to some of the houses on Steve Pederson's block, and he said there was a brown cardboard box outside of Pederson's house that may or may not have been a moving box. God, it's all so clear now.

Harvey: That wasn't really a question. Anyone else?

Fan 2: Yes, any truth to the rumors about Tom Osborne as Pederson's replacement?

Harvey: We'll see about that, for now we're goi--

Fan 3: Osborne rules!

Harvey: Yes, Tom's a great guy.

Fan 3: Any truth to the rumor that scientists in Scotland have found a way to clone Frank Solich's respect for Husker tradition with Turner Gill's natural, youthful enthusiasm and combined them into a super-coach? Follow-up question, will we hire this, "Franker Gillich?"

Harvey: You're an idiot.

Fan 3: You are. Fire Perlman! Dot com!

Fan 2: What about the popular idea reported by some, i.e. my barber, that Tom Osborne was able to breathe life into Bob Devaney's lifeless corpse, reviving him to a slightly-above-vegetated state in which he is expected to be able to come back and coach the team?

Harvey: Seriously?

Fan 2: My barber knows a guy. Just sayin'.

Harvey: Okay.

Fan 1: Yes, I've heard that Volleyball coach John Cook will be taking over the defense if he is able to defeat Kevin Cosgrove in a steel cage match this Sunday.

Harvey: Ummm

Fan 1: Confirmed! Great.

Harvey: This conference is over.

Fan 3: Tom Osborne for life!

But Seriously
The thing that upsets me is this: traditionally, Husker fans are known as the classy, mature, voices of reason in the college sports fan world. And here people are, celebrating a man getting fired. Before someone calls me on it, yes I did have a glass of champagne at work today when we watched the press conference. But not because I was happy that a guy got fired. Just because I likes my booze. But who do these people think they are cheering a man losing his job? Be happy for the program if you think this was the right direction for it, but let's remember that this "villain" we so contagiously hate is a person.

The main reason people hate him is because he soiled the reputation of our program. The other side of that reputation is the classiness of our fans. Let's not ruin that one, too.

Here's to the resurrection of this amazing program, I do hope (and in my heart of hearts, honestly believe) that this was the right thing to do for Husker Nation.

cheers.
.charlie

Buying Shame, By the Hour

"Hey. I was just wondering if you'd wanna go to a public, rent-by-the-hour hot tub in downtown Lincoln with me."

If you've never had the pleasure of receiving this offer, you've never had the pleasure of visiting The Tubbery. Tucked away amidst the vintage charm of Lincoln's Historic Haymarket district is a cesspool of human existence masquerading as a romantic getaway. The Tubbery, which frankly just sounds filthy, rents hot tubs by the hour. To people. Real people. Who pay to rent hot tubs by the hour.

What kind of people patronize this fine, upstanding example of American can-do entrepreneurship in action? Well let us judge completely from this one comment I found on Yahoo! Local, a Yahoo! subsidiary where people can post their thoughts on local businesses so that all 27 people who still use Yahoo! can read them. Here, without any censorship (skip it if you're sensitive) is "Dottie's" thoughtties on Ye Ole Tubbery.

"This is the place!: The Tubbery is a very fun place to go. You can go into one of their themed hot tub rooms, they're specious, very neat, complete with all you will need, not to mention..you get a big 8-10 person hot tub to play in. This is an ideal place to take that special someone, and there's nothing like sexin' and feeling those jets hittin against your bodies! I can't wait to go back!!!"

I must point out that this message was posted on Yahoo! Local two days before Christmas, 2005. So, in the midst of celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Dottie found time to give The Tubbery props on its ability to facilitate "the sexin'." Dottie's ONLY other review on Yahoo! Local? You guessed it, Priscilla's Adult Novelty store. Hope she's single. I must also point out that The Tubbery is real. I can not reiterate this enough.

I assume that your choices of a "themed hot tub room" are NASCAR, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Failure.

I also assume Dottie meant "spacious," not "specious." Specious means "false but plausible." As in, "The Tubbery is the original breeding ground for all known forms of sexually transmitted disease." False, but plausible. See?

Alright, I may have to do a follow-up post to this later. I'm an hour away from lunch and if I don't get the mental image of Dottie "sexin'" her Jeff Gordon-wannabe boyfriend in a public hot tub out of my mind, I may never eat again.

Until then...

cheers.
.charlie

Dude, You Rock

Celebrate Nebraska Rejects (Special Kansas Edition)
Dude, you rock and roll all night, and party ev-er-y day. I don't know what to love more, your Winger-style hair or your Ultimate Warrior-style bicep tassles. Also, where did you find a Solo keg cup in school colors? Totally bitchin. Anyway, just wanted to write in and tell you how much I admired your relentless support of the 'Cats. I guess I'll see you at the next Dokken Reunion Tour. Until then, keep on, keep truckin'.

Oh, and don't forget to wave your Power Towel while doing the Willie Chant.

Sincerely,
One of the guys from Nelson

The "L" Word

The juvenile in me laughs.

The adult in me, well, also laughs...


Our sincere apologies to downtown Lincoln's Bennett Martin Pubic Library. I suggest you enlist the aide of Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy Dwight Schrute to find this heinous culprit.

cheers.
.charlie

*And a special thanks to Mark for snapping this pic and passing it along.