The New Husker Tunnel Walk

That's right, fans. It appears from reports in the Lincoln Journal Star and Omaha World Herald (at least I've heard it's in the Herald) that the Tunnel Walk and music that have ushered in the world's greatest football team since 1994 are being revamped a little. Before you freak out, I assure you that the song you're used to, The Alan Parsons Project's "Sirius," will still be a part of it.

But the HuskerVision crew has recruited Cornhusking DJ "Mikey Bo" to lay down a fresh set of high plains beats. This video is a rough cut, using last year's footage. The music is speculative, it probably won't sound exactly like this, but it ought to give you a taste:




I have to say, not bad. Who would've thought they could change that glorious 2-minutes of 13-year-old tradition and not make it completely suck. My personal choice would have been to use Possum Kingdom by The Toadies, but that's only because I'm obsessed with that song from playing Guitar Hero II.

But all that really matters is that Husker Football starts tomorrow! Not even the use of O-Town's Liquid Dreams could taint this excitement.

Now, to release the hounds. Comment below and let the Just Above Kansas nation know what you think.

cheers.
.charlie

Now I Know Why It's Called SUPER Target.

When Super Target arrived in Lincoln last month, I was thrilled. Finally, a one-stop location where I could buy groceries, picture frames, movies, livestock, Lasik eye surgery, a puppy, my self-esteem and a girlfriend.

Never mind the fact that Lincoln had two perfectly good Target stores. And a couple Wal-Marts. And a Super Duper Wal-Mart or whatever it is when they put a Wal-Mart inside of a preexisting Wal-Mart. It was time for an upgrade. And in came Super Target, which has basically the same product offering as a Wal-Mart, but without the smell of urine and broken dreams. It's wonderful.

And so, I ventured to Super Target the other night. Intimidated? Believe it. But I was determined to explore, determined to find and purchase something I didn't even need. Because that's the Target Philosophy.

5 minutes into my shopping experience, I found this:

That's right. It's velcro-attaching hair extensions for your cat. A kitty weave. So that your cat may look like Pippi Longstocking, if you're into that sort of thing. Aside from giving me one more reason to despise people who are way too into their cats, this led me to the conclusion that Super Target was the greatest store ever. This is exactly what Lincoln has been waiting for. I don't think you could find an item of this quality at a feline specialty store (which if I owned, by the way, I would call Mad Catters. Because cat-crazy middle-aged women love puns. That's not my opinion, that's science). So thank God (or Dave Coulier) for Super Target. Because what's more American than unnecessary cat accessories?

Anyway, that was my Super Target experience. What was yours? Have you been? Did you get lost? Do you like that show LOST? I do. I love it, actually. Okay, I've obviously derailed.

cheers.
.charlie

Congratulations... Or Whatever

Celebrate Nebraska Rejects

Way to Hate Everything and Stuff.
God. Whatever. I guess you deserve some credit for having the lowest swooping bangs and oldest, most obscure black t-shirt. You truly are the most emo, Claire. By the way, you left your old Chuck Taylor's (the black ones, not the red, green, rainbow-striped or Special Edition Blue Teardrops pairs) at my house the other day while we were listening to old school Dashboard Confessional. My mom's getting really sick of you leaving those here. But whatever.

Your MySpace friend,
The.Wounded.Sobs.Blind.Me.

My Birth Plan

Charlie, What's with the Title of this Blog? You Can't Be Pregnant.
The Just Above Kansas family is expecting a child.

Okay, I'll Bite.
Allow me to explain. My dear sister Karen, who lives in Washington D.C., is expecting her first child in a few weeks. Here she is, in all of her pregnant glory:

Awww, isn't she beautiful? And pregnant! She is indeed a wonderful sister and I love her dearly. I'm also counting on her to come through with the most miraculous birth of the century. No pressure.

Why? Is Her Baby the Second Coming of the Messiah?
I don't know, we'll see. Here's the deal. This year, the Huskers' biggest game is on September 15th against the #1-ranked USC Trojans. I want to go more than anything. And I really wanna be there in case hell freezes over, pigs fly, the "Angels win the pennant" (name that movie!) and Screech gets a date with Lisa Turtle. If these things happen, Nebraska will win. I can't miss that. But there's a problem.

I Get The Feeling You're About to Exploit This Birth for Your Own Personal Gain. Oh, how you know me. Now obviously tickets are hard to come by. But last night my dad told me that he and my mom had two of them. I'm pretty sure they had to stab someone to get them. That or they had to keep their hands on a Kia at a local dealership for like 18 days. Either way, I'm envious.

So dad goes on to explain that if Karen has her baby and my mom goes to Washington to be with her daughter, there's an extra ticket. And guess who gets it? That's right. Pay dirt.

When I heard this, I almost did this dance:


I know it's awkward that I just showed a paternity test clip while talking about my sister being pregnant, but I'll pretty much take any excuse I can get to work that clip into any blog posting. It's so good for so many reasons.

This Sounds Like a Wonderful Cause. How Can I Help?
I need you to pray. To God, Allah, Thor, Vishnu, Dave Coulier, whoever. Pray that this baby comes right around its due date (September 12th) so that I may capitalize on my mother's benevolence toward her very pregnant daughter.

Charlie, Don't You Think This Wishful Thinking/Shameless Betting On Your Sister's Delivery Date of Her First-Born Child Qualifies You for a One-Way Ticket to Hell?
Probably. But like I said, this game is gonna be huge.


In all honesty, I would trade the Husker tickets to know that everything goes perfectly with this pregnancy/delivery and that the baby is healthy. That's worth more than anything to me, as I do love my two sisters more than about anyone in the world.

But I do really wanna go to this game, so if this delivery can be both healthy and well-timed, it would be much appreciated.


Here's to September 12th,
.charlie

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Celebrate Nebraska Rejects

If you see Wanda on August 15th wish her a happy 90th birthday! Then get the hell off of her land before she finishes her bottle of scotch, forgets who you are, wheels herself to the front porch, and unloads 15 rounds per second into the side of your Toyota Camry. We love you grandma!



.ben

The Jesus Stick

Dr. Cox (played by Johnny C. McGinley on Scrubs, one of the best shows going right now) once described people as "bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling." If that sounds harsh, it is. Unless you've met the man who stands at 12th & P Streets in Downtown Lincoln on weekend nights.

John Bilka is the man with the 10-ft. cross and the -- presumably -- 30-lb marbles. His cross is tagged with bible verses and phrasings of every imaginable human sin. He's a tough guy to miss. But if you don't see him, worry not, you'll hear him. From blocks away you can hear John condemning people and their loved ones to hell unless they repent right away. For anyone with an ounce of intelligence and/or maturity, it's easy to dismiss John as just another religious zealot.

But a clever religious zealot he is. See he's made camp at 12th & P, right outside Lincoln's only downtown movie theater. And in case you were never a teenager, I'll fill you in: turns out the teens like these talking pictures. Go figure. So John is positioned with a cross, some serious pipes and some "literature" about his teachings. And while the average adult can bypass John and continue on to see the latest Jackie Chan/Chris Tucker offering without an ounce of religious guilt, the average teen sees a fight to be picked. And pick they do.

John Bilka spends about 90% of his time in baseball manager-umpire-like fights with people 1/4 his age. He seeks them out by preaching from that corner, and he jumps right in the ring with gloves drawn the second one of them makes a comment about him or his Jesus stick. It's actually pretty sad to watch. These kids usually have a fairly good point, but are predictably unable to articulate it, and eventually they walk away as John screams at them. The kids think he's crazy. Johns think he's won. And I go watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix again. I mean, uh, sports. I go watch sports. At a bar. With beers.

Now I could fill up your entire computer screen with all the problems I have with John: overly aggressive religious zealotry, disturbing the peace, hate-mongering, tarnishing the image of downtown Lincoln, etc. I'll leave that to the Lincoln Secular Humanists, who combat John by holding up signs of their own across the street (with things like "God Hates Wet Dreams." Secular Humanists: 1. Crazy Evangelist: 0). My main issue is what he's doing to teens in Lincoln. He attacks, he condescends and he argues points with them from the plane of faith, while they fight back from the plane of realism. I'm not saying one side is right or wrong, but as the adult in a discussion you are responsible for leveling the playing field. John should be providing rational arguments for what he believes, not glaring at them from atop his soapbox and spouting his completely irrelevant claims. He speaks like a Jesus Pull Toy, where if you pull the string affixed to his back, he'll utter one of 6 or so phrases. It doesn't make for the most enlightening discussion (especially when that discussion is with a 14-year old), it doesn't serve the advancement of civilized discourse, it doesn't teach kids anything and, sadly, it almost certainly drives more kids (and people in general) away from God than toward him. And I don't know if you've read the latest approval ratings, but the Big Man's are about as high as Cheney's -- especially among kids.

So then John is serving the exact opposite purpose than what he's saying he intends. Right? He says he's trying to teach people about God to bring them into their faith, but he's actually turning them away. Why? Because it makes him feel better about himself. See, a guy like John doesn't really care if any of these kids come to church. He's doing his part. He's shouldering his Jesus Load (literally. I mean, how much does that cross have to weigh?). "Converting" people is not his concern, he's just covering his own ass so that he can sleep sound at night, believing his life and afterlife to be secure. And he does this all by picking fights with people who don't have the maturity or emotional intelligence to fight back. It's the religious equivalent of Barry Bonds breaking the home run record against a team of 6-year-old girls.


I leave with a quote from John's favorite book. It's a cliche, but I'm gonna go ahead and analyze it for the street preacher.
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." -Matthew 7:12

So according to John's book, when he gets to heaven, ole Peter will be waiting with a 20-ft. cross. And John, equipped with a mere 70 years of earthly knowledge will have all his arguments and justifications interrupted and dwarfed by Peter's millions of years of earthly knowledge. And John will be forced to walk away and duck into some insufferable romantic comedy while Peter screams at him and his friends.

Luckily for John, the Rev. Jerry Falwell will be there with a shoulder to cry on.

cheers.
.charlie

*Photo of John Bilka courtesy of the Daily Nebraskan

Engagement Announcement!

Celebrate Nebraska Rejects

Fantasia-Jones

October 19, 2007

Fantasia of India and Ted Jones of Lincoln are planning an Oct. 19 union at the Folsom’s Children Zoo. Their parents are Leo and Chemi of India and Tim and Barb Jones of Ogallala.
Jones graduated with a degree in Animal Science. He enjoys campaigning for inter-species marriage rights and playing ultimate Frisbee.
Fantasia is a 325-lb white Bengal tiger.

To Taco, Or Not to Taco?

Today I’d like to take a second to talk about something that has been on my mind lately. As we grow up we adopt certain beliefs which, over time, become a part of who we are. For example, some of us are pro-life, while others of us are pro-choice. These beliefs may have been formed logically by looking at the different sides of the issue and then making an informed decision. However, I fear many of us, especially when we were younger, were strongly influenced by our parents and the people around us to think one way or another. Therefore, it is most important that we continually evaluate and challenge our core beliefs. Today I am doing just that in the form of one simple question:

Is Amigos really that great?

Okay, so let’s try to put feelings aside for a second. That’s no easy task for me because I was raised in the Amigos at 56th and Old Cheney. 3-4 times a week we’d huddle as a family in one of the unreasonably small booths and eat soft tacos, crisp meat burritos, veggie burritos, tacos, etc. Not surprisingly, as a youngster I thought that Amigos was the pinnacle of Mexican cuisine. I also thought the donation fountain was a urinal.

Now that I’m older, wiser, and generally understand the difference between fast food and authentic Mexican food, I’m starting to wonder if Amigos is really that great. Here is a list of my concerns:

1. Some items are just American food in disguise: For example, the soft taco is unseasoned hamburger, cheese, lettuce, sour cream, all wrapped in a carbohydrate blanket. Sounds and tastes like a cheeseburger to me.
2. Perhaps the decrease in quality of Amigo's food is due to its merger with King's. When I want a burger, I get a burger. Went I want deep fried Mexican food to move through my digestive track like an unstoppable rebel force, I go to Amigos. And ne'er the two shall meet.
   
3. The prices aren’t that great for what you get. I’m pretty sure a cheesy burrito costs close to $2.00 now. I’d like someone who is reading this blog to go to the grocery store buy tortillas, a package of cheddar cheese, a can a refried beans and then see how much one of these things actually costs to make. Pictures would be nice.
4. Amigos is commonly referred to as “drunk food”. Is it strange that people say things like, “two more beers and I’m gonna need some Amigos”? Do we have to be drunk for it to taste good? Maybe we should make a new poster for college freshman to hang on the walls of their kick-ass dorm rooms: “Beer-Helping hungry people eat Amigos since 1980." Observe:But in the interest of fairness, here are some good things:
   

1. Best damn ranch in the world.
2. Tradition. It’s local and also linked to Nebraska Football.
3. Party room upstairs (at participating locations).
4. They’re open approximately 23.5 hours a day.

So now I’d like to hear your thoughts on this issue. Does Amigos live up to the hype? Why or why not? What is your favorite item? What is your record for most time spent on the can after a trip to Amigos (please do not actually answer this one)?

-Ben

A New Weekly Column

Loyal readers,
I'm happy to announce a new weekly feature here at Just Above Kansas. It is loosely (and by "loosely" I mean "completely") based on a weekly feature in the Lincoln Journal Star. Celebrate Nebraska is a 20-page insert that runs every Sunday, where anyone can submit a picture of a friend or family member, write a little blurb and then sit back and watch the disintegration of that friendship as the entire readership of the LJS has a good laugh. These pictures are often 20-30 years out of date, making them all the more awesome. If you're not familiar with this wonderful taste of local flavor, fear not: click here for the online version. I recommend perusing the "Celebrations!" section for the choicest photos.

But what about Nebraskans with lesser-known accomplishments? Not everyone is blessed with friends who love them enough to permanently, publicly humiliate them. This is where we come in. Each week, we'll be celebrating Nebraska's overlooked achievers, searching far and wide to find those whose accomplishments may otherwise go unnoticed. And so, without further adieu, I present to you the first installment of...

Celebrate Nebraska Rejects
Tim (aka Timosius the Destroyer),
Congratulations on becoming a level 18 warlord. The killer instinct you showed by using the Blessing of Might in the Eastern Plaguelands on that noob Paladin reminded me how overrated an actual social life would be. The battle resumes in your parents' basement, tonight at 8. I'll bring the Cool Ranch Doritos and Mountain Dew.

Sincerely,
Robert (aka The Beastmaster)

Barn in the USA

Dear Barn Preservation Society of Nebraska,

First of all, I would just like to thank you for your continued dedication to the preservation and restoration of historical barns across the state of Nebraska! Also, please ignore any previous hate letters you may have received from me. For some reason I mixed up your address with that of the Iowa Barn Preservation Club. Their barns can go to hell.

As you know, barns are awesome. Not only can you keep crap in them like horses, hay, fireworks, tractors, and time-traveling cars that need to be hidden until the Doc can find a way to get Marty McFly back to the future--- they also look sweet from the outside. In fact, in my best high school senior picture I’m leaning up against a double sloped gambrel-roofed barn. This is why I am now a barn enthusiast with my own barn blog.

Anyways, I’m writing because I’m concerned about the “Porn Barn”, which is located right off the interstate between Lincoln and Omaha. For decades it has provided travelers with literature, toys, movies, and private “viewing” booths. Someone recently told me that, due to the Internet, the porn barn could be shutting its colonial style double-armed doors for good.

Based on awkward previous conversations with your members, I realize the BPSN does not support pornography. However, I want to ask you one very important question: How do you feel about barnography? I’m not talking about hot dutch-on-prairie style barn action. I'm talking about barn education. Instead of taking your children to pick up the latest issue of Playboy, what if you could stop and pick up the latest issue of Barn Again! or the educational How to Build a Better Barn DVD?

In summary, I’m suggesting that the Barn Preservation Society of Nebraska raise money this year to purchase the “Porn Barn” and turn it into the Nebraska Barnography Distribution Center (or BSPN-NBDC for short). I look forward to discussing this in more detail at the big BPSN meeting this October.

Warmest Regards,

Ben

A Love Letter from California.

From the department of completely expected So-Cal behavior...

LA Times T.J. Simers has written a thinly-veiled lambasting of Nebraska culture in his sports column. Read it here, then read on.

Now, I'm not going to fall into Simers' trap and fight back with arguments like, "We do have running water!" and "Not everyone here drives a tractor!" Come on, Nebraskans. We're smarter than that. And all of the "corn cobs" who read that article and think, "We'll show him when he gets here," are only setting themselves up to prove this guy right when they make over-zealous efforts to prove him wrong.

Here's why this article bugs me: his attacks rely on tired, outdated characteristics of Midwestern people. Oh, people from the coast think we live a simple life free of any modern amenities? Really? I hadn't heard. Thank you for blowing the lid off this hilarious stereotype. It's not the falsehood in these stereotypes that bothers me, it's the lack of originality. The problem is, advancements made by big city corporations have allowed smaller communities to modernize somewhat, thus somewhat narrowing the gap between small and large cities. This leaves big city people with a little less to pick on, and thus they fall back on the old standards, like Simers does in his column. Leaving Nebraska fans to sigh, for we've heard it all before. No matter how true or unture the statements may be -- they're just plain tired.

Maybe I should ask Mr. Simers' to show me a good time when I go to L.A. "Could you take me to a celebrity's home? Or can we go get frosted tips in our hair? I've always wanted $500 jeans! I wanna meet all the a-holes that live here, you're all a-holes right? And image-conscious douche bags! Don't forget about them. How much was that bottle of water? $5! Wow the cost of living here is really out of control." I'm sure Los Angelenos would roll there eyes at the cliche, which is exactly what I did as I read Simers' column.

If you're gonna attack Nebraska, go ahead. We do it here at Just Above Kansas all the time. But be funny and be unique. Failing to do so will cause me to believe that even an unoriginal hack - whose picture looks like he's constipated and who can only think of one insult to reuse over and over in a column about a state he doesn't know much about - can ascend to the position of LA Times sportswriter. And we wouldn't want to foster any negative stereotypes, would we?


Gotta go, someone's trying to steal the horse I rode in on.
.charlie